A Campaign Against a Stupid Campaign

So here's someone trying humor and missing.

I got sent this this morning, and went a little deeper into the page to make sure I wasn't missing the humor. And with research done and data in, the conclusion is: I'm not. This type of humor is so easy that it is just a waste of time; there are people doing this I'm-gonna-try-to-offend-everyone-because-I-think-it's-funny bit already (Borat, Sarah Silverman, et al.) who are good at it, and even they get boring rather quickly. This guy should do himself a favor and quit trying so hard.

Re: this little campaign against vegetarians, here's a little campaign I've started: It's called If Anyone Refers To This "Sponsor A Vegetarian" B.S., Beat The Shit Out Of Them. How's that for hippy, animal-loving, tree-hugging passivism? Yes, I'm a vegetarian. But if I ever do go back to eating meat, I'll go hunting with my dad. I got a nice compound bow sitting in my basement that I'd dust off and go get me some venison. I doubt this guy knows what venison is, so filled up on Tombstone pepperoni pizzas to branch out a little bit. The problem isn't that you're eating meat. I don't give a shit if you eat meat. The problem is that you buy this processed crap that comes from corporate farms where the animals, contrary to this genius' assessment of an animal's life, do not "spend most of [their lives] shitting in a field." Most of the things you're putting in your body never even see a fucking field. If you're going to eat the stuff why don't you be a "real man" and head off into the woods and get it your damn self? Well, because that would take too much time away from sitting at your computer reassuring yourself about your own masculinity by writing about how cool your boner is and how stupid women are. Nice job, buddy. Real funny stuff.

So, my campaign begins, because as our friend so astutely points out in his hilarious explanation of "Sponsor a Vegetarian": "most people still need a crowbar up side the head." Mine's in my trunk.

See how easy it is to rant?


P.S. To be fair, there are actually some funny things on this site, but like I said, it's just too easy to be interesting/funny for long.

My Friends Rock

So a friend of mine, Emily Cook, gave our little magazine a shout today on one of my favorite sites Bookslut.

My Version of Graduate School Research/Preparation, Which I Have Perfected Over the Last Five Years

1. Go to Bookmarks folder labeled "MFA"; click to open.
2. Choose program from list of unrealistic schools compiled based on my complete lack of research re: schools I may actually be able to get into, thus consisting of only those schools nearly everyone has heard of, and therefore, good (on reputation if nothing else), and therefore, unrealistic.
3. Look through guidelines.
4. Look at faculty list; become frustrated and feel stupid because I only know one name on the list.
5. Convince myself that the school has obviously gone down hill and does not attract the quality writers it once did.
6. Look at list of past faculty; become reassured in #5, because I recognize more than one name on this list.
7. Begin online application, or Access already-begun online application.
8. Fill in information such as Name, Current Address, Phone Number, etc.
9. Come to portion of application that actually requires thinking.
10. Start outlining a personal statement in my head, while becoming frustrated with the fact I am in contact with only one professor from college and therefore can’t even get three letters of recommendation.
11. Criticize the era of inflated grades in which I graduated. Tell myself the teachers were not actually concerned about their students, but only making it look like their students were doing well, thus inflating their own credentials.
12. Skip ahead to Tuition page.
13. Go back to Personal Information page; make sure email and home address are correct.
14. Open folder on desktop labeled "Poetry." Make minor changes, such as adding an "and" where previously none existed, to many poems.
15. Reconsider future; open folder on desktop labeled "Nonfiction."
16. Return to graduate school web site; save online application.
17. Choose another program from MFA Bookmark folder, repeat steps 3 through 16.
18. Convince myself that reading more, right now, will benefit me in this process.
19. Leave pages open on computer, so I will (obviously) return to them in the morning after finishing a novel or reading a number of poems tonight.
20. Put computer to sleep (not off; need to see those pages first thing in the morning).
21. Take novel or book of poetry from bookshelf; bring to bed.
22. Open book sitting up in bed.
23. Awake at 3 a.m., shut book laying open beside me, go back to sleep.